Today.

 

As I sit here and write this post, I wish I could tell you that everything worked out in the end. I wish that I could say I’m successful, happy and enjoying life. Don’t get me wrong, in a sense I am doing/feeling all of those things but just not exactly how and when I thought I’d be.

I often ask myself, am I still the same person I was? Or am I different and if so, in a good or bad way? I see the person I am and I’m not entirely sure I like her. I try to make a conscious effort of who I want to be but I always see the true me come out, but if that’s who I am, why should I change? I’m loud, outgoing, moody, funny, childish, silly, helpful, honest, trustworthy, caring and much more and sometimes I wonder if I want to change for me, or change for the people around me and until I make the right decision I can’t and won’t change.

On the most part, I like who I am. My parents raised me to be a good person and I think I am only questioning myself now because of this crossroads I find myself at. I look around at the people in my life and wonder if they think or feel the same as me. Are they happy? On the outside most of them look like they have everything under control, they have their lives set up and are going in the direction they want to be going. Have they always been like this? Who knows. Some of them may have already gone through this, and some of them are yet to go through it and maybe won’t go through it at all.

There is no right or wrong in this situation and I have no control over whats going to happen later on down the track. What I do have control over is how I react to it all. I have control over my mind and thought process and how positive or negative I want to be. I know I will still have my down days as everyone does, but it’s how I use my mind to change it. It’s taken me a very long time to understand this. A positive mind can honestly change your life however, I also know how hard it is to remain positive when things don’t always go right, or, the way you had planned. I have and still am training my mind to see the positive in every negative, it’s not something you can just switch on over night, it’s something that takes a lot of practice.

The career path I have chosen no longer keeps me driven. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE photography and always will but I feel like when I’m in between jobs I don’t even want to look at my camera and I have a habit of leaving it there to collect dust. I hate that. This was something that I was so passionate about and I loved doing, however, I now feel that spark I once felt is no longer there. I still want to be successful like everyone does, but I want to create my own success. So many people I know are in jobs they don’t like, or don’t enjoy and I don’t want to be that person. For so many years I was in the same routine when I worked in finance and it wasn’t until I got out of that routine that I realised there is so much more in a career than just doing the same thing every day. Don’t get me wrong, a lot of people I know also love their routines and love their jobs, but what one person enjoys, someone else may not.

Some days are still a struggle for me and some days are amazing. I have, however, learnt than when I am happy to old on tight to that feeling because any time now it will all change. Something will happen and it will all come crashing down around me – It’s called Cherophobia and its the fear of being happy because something bad will soon happen. I love being happy and laughing until my belly hurts is my favourite thing to do in the world but sometimes I stop myself from feeling like this, because I know that at any moment something will happen to bring it all down.

Sometimes I wish I could wake up and this will all be over, but at the same time, I don’t want to wish my life away. I truly believe this is something I was supposed to go through to make me understand something in life, what that something is however, I am still trying to figure out. I know one day I will wake up and look back at this time and be so grateful for everything that happened.

I used to wish I was in someone else’s position and had everything they have but looking back at that now makes me thank God that I am where I am. My mum recently said to me “You are exactly where you are supposed to be right now” and I felt that if she believed that for me, then I should too. And I do. I really believe that everything happens for a reason and you may not know what that reason is then and there but one day you will. I still don’t know what the reason for us breaking up is, or me not creating a bigger and better photography business, but, I believe I will one day know.

I wish I knew the future ahead wasn’t going to be a bumpy ride, but hey, that’s all part of the fun. I mean, wouldn’t life be a little boring if there weren’t any hiccups along the way, so bland to just glide through life and have everything handed to you. No thank you. I want to work hard and be able to look back and really appreciate today, the way I was feeling and thinking and always wondering where I would end up.

Life isn’t meant to be easy, and I am only just starting to understand that now. You must have courage and it doesn’t mean that you don’t feel afraid of creating the ‘perfect’ life, it just means that you shouldn’t let fear stop you from creating it. It’s so cliché to say things like “Life is too short” “Life is what you make it” “Get out there and live your life” because everyone’s life is so different, and what is a fun successful way of life to one person may not be to the next person.

I know I still have a long way to go, but little by little, step by step, it happens. I don’t want to change the world, I want to change MY world. I want to be able to wake up one day and say “I. Made. It.” I told myself 2016 was going to be my year, where I change my life for the better, but it was so much harder than I thought, that doesn’t mean that it was a total write off, it just means that I have to make 2017 even better.

I am so thankful for my parents they have shown me nothing but support and love and as a child you honestly couldn’t ask for anything more. They are the most amazing parents I could have ever asked for and without them I don’t know where I’d be today. My brothers who are always there for a good laugh and I know have my back no matter what. And, my beautiful friends. I am thankful for him, without him, I wouldn’t be here right now. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to tell my story to let people know that they aren’t alone, and that you will get through it. Yes, he made me feel heart ache, anger, sorrow, hurt and so much more, but he also made me feel love, happiness, gratitude, appreciation, respect, hopeful, passion and indirectly was able to teach me so much about myself.

I still have a long way to go, and this blog isn’t over, it’s just the end of the chapter and this has been my journey up until now and I think I am starting to be at peace with it and I will ‘Always Believe That Something Wonderful Is About To Happen’

Love Always, Me. xx

It Was All For Me.

I always park in the drive way at my friend’s house, however, this time I thought I’d park out on the street, just to be different. As I had to turn around, I drove up a little further and did a U-turn in the cup de sac a few meters down from her house. I saw a car that looked really familiar, but couldn’t exactly remember the number plate so didn’t think anything of it. As I was doing the U-turn I saw another car that I thought belonged to another friend of mine, but again, not thinking anything of it as I just wanted to get inside and go to dinner.

I walked up the driveway and unlocked the gate, I remember hearing voices around the back but was so concerned with giving my friend a bunch of bridal magazines and looking at how overdressed I was compared to her I panicked and didn’t take any note of what I heard. I sat down and we had the quick “Hello, how are you” conversation. She seemed odd, but I quickly brushed it off telling her “I’m way over dressed” she told me I was being silly.

There were those voices again, I asked her who was here “He’s just got some clients over”. This led me to believe that we’ll be late for dinner and I haaaaate being late anywhere. Her fiancé came down the driveway, all frazzled and stressed. I asked what was wrong he replied “nothing, do you like what I’ve done with the drive way” “Yeah, looks good” I replied, not really taking in what had changed. He told me to go with him and he’ll show me what he’s done out the back. I asked if everything was okay, “Of course” he replied with a giant awkward smile on his face.

Walking down the driveway all I could imagine was seeing a few of his clients and some dogs running around (he’s dog carer and trainer) but… I was completely blown away with a massive SURPRIIIIIIIISE!!!

There were balloons, streamers, party poppers, candles, food, friends and my beautiful parents. I was in complete shock! I tried to turn and run, not sure where I was going to run to but I didn’t know what else to do. I was pulled back in by my friend and just hugged her tightly. I couldn’t speak, I didn’t know what to say or who to talk to, I just stood back for a moment and took it all in.

I hugged my parents and asked them why there were here (very politely of course) as earlier that day they had told me they had a family friends birthday dinner to attend. Mum said they were still going “but there was no way we would have missed this”. My friend was also there, the one who was busy when I initially tried to organise something, I hugged her and we laughed at how upset I was when she told me she was ‘busy’. She had a cheeky grin on her face that only a best friend could understand.

After going around, saying hi and hugging everyone I eventually calmed down and stopped shaking from all the adrenaline running through my body. The place looked beautiful and was so warm and inviting, there were candles set up around the place, lovely warm heaters (I’m a winter baby) the table was beautifully set with cheeses, crackers and heaps of appetizers, there was a wall of floating photos of me with friends and family that they had all sent. My beautiful friend was there with her partner and their gorgeous twins whom I was so surprised to see. There were giant balloons spelling out my name along another wall. It was honestly magical.

Earlier that day, I was with a friend of mine and asked if she wanted to tag along to dinner seeing it was her Birthday only three days before mine, she declined and said she already had plans, I spent all day with her and not one hint was dropped, even when she saw my mum earlier, they didn’t give anything away. Nothing! I’m usually quite a suspicious person and pick up on people’s behaviours, but this time, I have to admit, everyone did really well to keep it from me!

Once I had settled down, taken everything in had a good laugh and cry with everyone my parents had to leave, I still couldn’t believe they were there and I couldn’t believe this was all for me. Not long after they left, we all sat down and ate some amazing food. As I sat there eating I looked around the table, I knew these people meant so much to me, but, I don’t think I realised how much I meant to them. For everyone to be there who was there to celebrate with me, meant more to me than anything in the world at that moment.

Not long after dinner the real party started, we got the drinks flowing and got the music pumping, it was all amazing. If I could have changed one thing, It would have been for him to be there BUT that wasn’t going to stop me from having an amazing time and after all, for that night, it wasn’t about him.

I’m a big kid at heart and love being silly, after all, life shouldn’t be taken too seriously. I suggested a game of musical chairs, initially everyone’s reaction told me that they didn’t want to play, but all the girls politely stood up and we started a game, soon enough the boys came over and joined in. I felt like I was turning 8, not 28. Once everyone got into it, I could see the expressions on their faces, they were actually having a good time and enjoyed being a kid again. We also played Chinese Whispers and a few other silly games. I remember standing around playing the games and saying to myself, remember how happy you are feeling right now. No one and nothing can take that away from you.

I can honestly say, this was the happiest I have been in over a year and I loved every second of that feeling. The gratitude I felt towards my friend and her fiancé for putting on such an amazing night will never leave me and I don’t think I would ever be able to repay them for what they did. I felt so humbled by the whole thing and for everyone and anyone who helped out or showed up.

I went home that night with this unbelievable feeling that is hard to write down on paper. I just needed everyone to know how much they meant to me and how much I appreciated every little detail that went into the evening.

I woke up the next morning (my actual birthday) with not only a smile, but a little headache, it quickly disappeared though because nothing was going to ruin an already amazing weekend. I celebrated with a family BBQ and loved every second of it.

I went to bed that Sunday night feeling loved and appreciated by everyone I knew. I was ready to make this year of my life… My Year.